Do you ever wonder WHY we, as women, put up with all the CRAP society throws at us, as if we are not already cursed enough by Mother Nature. WARNING GUYS – talkin’ gross girl stuff here…
Last month as I was rushing my kids through a furniture store, I had that unnerving monthly GUSH that all women – especially those who have already had children (it is worse then…) FEAR MOST. Let’s just say thank GOD that white pants went out of style in the 80’s (they did, right?) AND thankfully I had an Always Infinity on – those things ROCK and are seriously an engineering miracle – have you tried them yet? Simultaneously, if you can even imagine it getting worse, I had this horrible STABBING pain in my chest. Was it a heart attack? You know heart disease is the number one cause of death in women and February was American Heart Awareness month. As I thought how ironic it would be to to drop dead just then, in February, I realized what the stabbing pain was. YES, you know the one – the underwire from my BRA broke out and literally STABBED ME. I tried to subtly adjust it to avoid a puncture wound, but it was STABBING me in a way that there is no way to eliminate other than to TAKE MY BRA OFF and let it all hang out.
Photo Credit – Cardrona Bra Fence, New Zealand
So why do we wear these BRA’s anyway? I mean seriously do we need more agony on top of screaming children, bleeding (literally) like a stuck pig every month AND uncomfortable underwires not only stabbing us, but also getting us complimentary medical procedures (FREE xrays and breast exams) at airport security. All this followed by incontinence and hot flashes – lots to look forward to.
Now the word BRA is supposed to be a shorter version of the romantic sounding french word brassiere. Sounds super romantic right – conjuring up an image of Pierre pouring a sumptuous glass of wine, glaring at your supple breasts and ready to answer your every whim.
In reality it stands for a Barbaric Restraint Apparatus
AND they do not even leave it on us long enough to be any kind of romantic anyway – LOL! What were they thinking creating these torture devices. Hold them down, lift them up, separate them, make them forever perky!! If the good Lord and Mother Nature intended for our breasts, boobs, jugs, tatas to “LIFT and SEPARATE” then by golly they would. Unfortunately, through age and children, the OBVIOUS intent of nature and GRAVITY is for them to follow that foolish song – “do your boobs hang low?” Well of course they do! Need I explain Newton’s Law?
Unfortunately, I never appreciated mine in their prime. I could go through my litany of stories of being called perky while getting fitted for a bridesmaid dress and how I hid my endowment through college wearing baggy sweatshirts, keeping the best hidden secret – I had a decent rack. Why oh why did I not take advantage of the perky days? Little Animation has a much more amusing and perfect depiction of the life of our BOOBS. Need I say more?
There are loads and loads of articles on the history of the bra, but basically the BRA began as a corset – another torture device you do not even want to get me started on. Though most women wear bras for a variety of purposes: to improve the perceived shape of breasts, to reduce or to enlarge the perceived breast size, to restrain breast movement during an activity such as exercise, to enhance their cleavage, to overcome sagging, or to facilitate nursing – many women wear them and SUFFER in order to “LOOK” a certain way for others perceived idea of beauty.
You have to ask yourself – would a MAN wear something to make his appendage “LIFT and SEPARATE”?? I doubt it – especially if it was going to STAB him. SO before you all go postal and think I have gone uber feminist and am planning a bra burning party, I AM NOT. I AM demanding a bra designed to be comfortable AND make us look good. These over the shoulder boulder holders should treat my givers of life and sustenance better than a rock!
Most issues I found, stem from wearing a bra that does not fit. I found this amusing article about the ridiculousness of finding a bra that fits, which led me to an interview with John Tyrer, a British engineering professor at Loughborough University who actually believes “The whole design is fundamentally flawed. It’s an instrument of torture.” AMEN BROTHER!! I saw a design article - In many respects, the challenge of enclosing and supporting a semi-solid mass of variable volume and shape, plus its adjacent mirror image-together they equal the female bosom-involves a design effort comparable to that of building a bridge or a cantilevered skyscraper. I LOVE THAT! I totally should have done this for my senior project.
As I was moving I realized that all I had in my bra drawer were old perky underwires there was no way these babies were fitting into again, AND stretched out nursing or “your grandma’s” bras. In addition to getting back in shape to help these puppies perk, I need new bras. You all know how I hate to spend money on something I am not going to like. So as rocket scientists ponder the perfect bra design, have you found the perfect bra? Have you been professionally fitted for a bra? PLEASE tell us the most comfortable bra you have ever worn and made you feel sexy – because really, it IS all about us!
We need to not only look good, but feel good as well!
